I am the Pheonix

Being the first girl born in my family in over 999 yrs, was suppose to be some kind of honor. To me it was a hardship. I guess everyone was expecting a fairy princess type, being bloned haired & blue eyed didnt help either. I wore dresses that matched my moms, slept in a canopy bed (with lace surrounding me). I did the girl scout & ballerina thing, took figure skating lessons....Learned to play the violin instead of the sax. But alas...I never got "it" right. I couldn't wear white without staining it. I stunk at violin ( probably 'cuz when Id HAD to practice, Id just saw the bow across the strings....to make my parents suffer for forcing me).

I wasn't a happy child...as I recall it was a lonely time for me. I cant even say that I disliked myself...I didn't know who i was. I had no identity.
If you've read my earlier posts then you know Im adopted..I was taught to refer to myself as being born into the family, since as far as they were concern....I was. There were a lot of "fibs" like that in my family.

I have some good memories, few but they still have the power to make me smile. Like when my dad would "join" my brother & I while playing hide & seek....he'd shove one of us up high in some forgotten closet without the other knowing he helped. Or when mom & dad would host a party... my brother & i got to stay in their bedroom with a TV tray full of party mixes & soda along with chips & dip. We'd watch TV and "wrestle" on the bed....I usually won!. My brother had an awesome sense of humor, we would always do funny stuff with together....like sneak a tape recorder under the sofa while the party was going on....not that the adults would ever say anything worth listening to but, the adventure was grand. I loved my brother so much & looked up to him.


My mom & my brother had an awesome bond, even when we were tiny. My dad & I were close. It was well known that if dad had to ok something...i should ask...if we needed moms ok, my brother would do the asking. It was a good system and it worked for the most part.
~~my theory~~
I think i figured out why my brother & mom bonded so close.I think its that my brother was adopted at birth...he went home to mom & dads immediately. I was adopted a month after birth....a blackmarket baby...Neglected. I read somewhere that that causes something called detatchment syndrome, where the babies don't attatch to anyone. Maybe thats why I had no self-identity as a child. I really had no oppinion...about anything. no favorite color, no likes or dislikes.

Another theory I have is social vs. genetic. We are taught that our likes & dislikes, and certain behaviors are socially gained. Meaning that we learn them from society. I believe that most are actually genetic, that we pass them along with our genes.
~~Let me explain with an example~~
three yrs ago my brothers birth family found him & arranged a meeting. He took my adopted mom along. on the flight he told my mom...."what if I have nothing in common with them"...of course mom said that he would fit in.
My brother was baby # 7 out of 8 kids. He was the only one put up for adoption ( due to finances). Mom said that after 20 mins ....you'd never know they all werent raised together. They all are/were active in the same sports, collected the same items, have the same work ethic and most of them even have the same favorite color.

My brother was never a leader...i was. He was a "saver"...every penny....not me. Id break a leg to spend my allowance. He wasnt very smart, always studied but never made good grades...I NEVER had to do homework, always got it done in class...never made a bad grade unless I tried to. (9th grade I made all A's then all F's the A's then F's...til the end of the yr. I knew id end up with a C average). My brother fit better in our family then I did. I always knew it. I was ....Different. my poor mom just didnt "get" me...lol. It would make mom mad when I asked her "what was wrong with me?" or "why I was different?"
but i really wanted/needed to know!. But in my family...one doesnt ask those questions.

At 10 I told my mom I was pregnant, I wasnt but I had misunderstood the sex film I had seen in school. Actually I had been being molested for several yrs by then & recognised the actions.. The was the beginning of my loneliness. I never denided that it happened but of course the man said I was lying. my mom chose to believe him. Because I couldnt get away from him...a close family friend...I began to wet the bed & generally act out. I told everyone I could...school counselors, relatives & friends.That only made me look bad. My mom told everyone that i was lying & that I was a problem child (emotionally disturbed). my acting out gave people reason to believe her. Like I said...I was a very lonely child.

As kids my brother & i were very close. If I was getting yelled at...he would slam his bedroom door (taboo in our home). Then theyd trapes over to yell at him. Its funny that even today...some 40 yrs later...if the wind catches the door & it slams...my brother or I will quickly say "sorry! it was the wind"..lol. I never told my brother what was happening to me....i dont know why but I never did. All he knew was what he saw...me doing things to make mom upset. Needless to say we grew apart. I began to run away from home. Im sure that was the worst as far as my brother was concerned....mom crying. When I got older and no longer lived at home...my mom asked me over & over not to tell him. I could never promise that, but i never have told him. To this day my brother doesnt include me in his life...although i have his phone # its well known to me that im not to use it. I wasnt allowed to be an aunt to his 2 kids and seldom got to see them. I havent seen my cousins or aunts & uncles in over 25 yrs and probably wouldnt feel like family if i saw them at this point. I could never feel anything but a visitor in my mom & dads home. My mom was a good mom....to everyone else. I could always feel the anger, disbelief and dislike. It was made worse only because she was so good to my brother....all our friends loved her too!...it was like i got a view of how loving she couldve been to me...IF i hadnt said anything. So sad.

Mom & I have since talked it all out. She made the man who molested me call me and confess....take ownership of all of it...she wasnt there to hear the call. said she didnt want to hinder the convo. I forgave him and told him that I had lost my hero back then....He cried. Hes old and losing his memory. Its amazing but i actually felt all the weight just lift right up off of me. All the anger & hurt i had for so long. Later that day mom called me ,I told her what was said and she was glad. I told her it was over....and I meant it. He has never admitted it to my mom but she knows. She has told me that shes glad Ive forgiven him but that she didnt think she ever could. A harsh statement but one that i wouldve sold my soul to hear as a child.

I had alot more trouble forgiving my mom. I realize that back in those days molesting wasnt talked about...that the signs werent known as openly as they are now. She has asked me to forgive her for being so stupid....i call it cruel but it doesnt matter now. I told her its over...im done hurting over it...I AM WHO I AM INSPITE OF MY CHILDHOOD. I took the best of what they taught me and added what ive learned on my own and made a whole person. ME. The days of emotional suicide are over for me. Althought Ive never lived up to my potential, my life is full. I have good sturdy friends, a decent income and a belief in myself. So all is forgiven.

The true victim is my brother, he still hates me...and it kind of hurts that he has bonded with his birth syblings, Im not his only sister anymore...he has 6 others..never will know the reason I was so angry and defensive or why i disrupted the family as a kid. At this point...i see no point in telling him. Mom says he'd kill the man. no need for all that...as I said...Ive forgiven and let it go. I still have my memories of the time when my brother & I were best friends.
So as I said at the beginning....I was a lonely kid...between being molesting, comming to terms with my sexuality ....and the detatchment its a wonder that Im so grounded today. Somehow I became a level headed adult. what is it they say?...out of ashes rises the pheonix. who knows...maybe one day Ill write a book!.