Merry Christmas everyone

Today has come and gone...Technically..We did nothing!
Other than buy the few required gifts for family & friends Craig and I decided that since we were broke....We'd wait til the after Christmas sales strarted to buy our gifts for each other....as usual Ill buy them both...he has no idea what to get me. I've decided to buy him a TiVo. Ill have to think what he's buying me...LOL It took me most of this month to recover from my trip to FL. Physically IM just too frail to travel anymore. Sucks
But it was still a wonderful day. All the kids that think of me as a surrogate mom came by one by one to show me the best 2 gifts that Santa brought em....A few families came over to ask me to take a family picture of them in their Christmas finery...I did....Now I need to burn copies to give them. Craig worked a double so I was alone most of the day...Hes back at work now...IM tired but my chest is hurting a little and IM finding it tough to breath when I lay down so here I am at 4:18 am typing on my blog. yaaaaawwwwwn ! That pic up there is my grand-niece...Isobella, we call her Izzy.
She's 4 and I swear shies the smartest 4 yr old I know. I just met her in Nov. She has a little sister that so darn adorable!!!. I think they both take after their great-aunt :)

~Sigh~ ivy been thinking 'bout the trip home....I have mixed feelings. Moms still VERY passive aggressive...Shooting barbed comments out like she did when I was 11. Dad's dying...Sad to say but the truth. My brother is awesome...But I noticed that he shakes a lot. Hope hex not going to get Parkinson like dad. Overall I was good to see everyone...I miss that...Not having them in my life for so long BUT.........Ill NEVER stay at moms again...She drove me nuts. Its worth the $$ to stay at a motel. Don't get me wrong...I love her...But ive been on my own too long to be stuffed back in that lil emotional box she had me in as a child. I fought it back then and I fought it last month.

gonna try to sleep now...Thanx for listening....g'nite
~Toni

HO HO Henely

The Wall of Grace & Beyond

Alot of time has passed since my last post. I thank you all for commenting. It seems that Ive hit the wall of Grace and got my second wind in blessings.

The GoodI went home (FLA) for Thanksgiving and stayed with Mom for 13 days. I saw a few of my cousins and alot of their kids I had never met yet. some married by now. Met one of my brothers biological sisters!.....a delight woman. Looks just like him too! Saw my Dad.

The not so good...He sure didnt look like the man I remembered. Gone was the large weathered man who had a grand sense of humor and a mind like a steel trap. In his place I saw a withered old man whose skin was pail and soft. His eyes were clear and he knew who I was imediately. I went to see him everyday while I was there. WE would talk and....stuff...my happy memories...the time Mi8ke & I would sneek up behind him while he sat at the dinner table, and would dangle a string over the crack of his butt till some of it would dissappear...he'd make a squeeling sound that would send mike & I running with laughter. We never got tired of doing that to him.(remember that he was way over 300 lbs so his pants always rode down past his butt when he sat down) He remembered that!

THE GREAT! I saw so many relitives while in Fla. 3 got me alone and confronted me about when I had told them about what Dad had done to me....I SWEAR that I didnt not bring the subject up. Mind you that the only weird thing about this is that I told one person...my brother over 30 yrs ago and NEVER brought it up again. My Aunt was told 22 yrs ago and my sis in law was told by someone else...not my brother. wMy aunt & sis in law asked flat out...I told em both that it didnt matter now but that I had not lied back then and wasnt going to start now. Both stated that they were sorry they werent there for me then...I smiled and as gently as I could I said ..."me too" Mike confronted me at the airport while we were waiting for my plane to load...He turned to me out of the blue ands said "Toni...I remember you told me when we were kids, I didnt believe u & im so sorry. INside my head there were bombs going off! A pray had been answered. Him above all was the one person I needed to know before I died. we talked for the 90 min wait and just before he pulled away from the curb he beeped...I looked...he mouthed.."TONI I LOVE YOU...ALWAYS HAVE" Thinking that he was just adding that to a "GOOD BYE" I said I loved him too. HE THEN MOUTHED..."no, I mean it...Im soo sorry and I believe you and I love you chomeyCHOMEY!!!! He hasnt called me that since we were in grade school!..it was his nick name for me( he couldnt say toni due to a speech impediment) needless to say I was in tears...as I am now.

THE FUNNYI took so many pictures! I tried to take one of the dog my brother inherited from his daughter...Henley...but after several attemps and trying for a head shot...all id get were butt shots....the darn dog was so hyper!...I had mike hold him for me. Once I got home I picked the best buttshot and made a photostamp of it...lmao...sent the stamps to mike and got a phonecall...He was laughing so hard that I couldnt understand him for the first 3 mins of the call. I had drawn a sants hat dangling from the tip of henleys tail...ill post the pic...I call it "HoHo Henley".

The SADIt doesnt look like craig & I will be getting foster kids...craig was arrested for indecent exposure 10 yrs ago...seems that he was peeing in the bathroom at the beach and a plainclothes cop arrested him for masterbaiting...craig says that he moved his hand to cover himself cuz a stranger was looking at his privates while he was peeing. I believe craig...he cant even look at tv when people r kissing...it embarrasses him...and craig is sooo9o not one to be in the limelight...he perfected the art of fading into the shadows. However...he didnt pass trhe LIFESCAN..we requested an exemption...and were denied and just recently have appealed. say a prayer. If its what God wants...we will get our kids...if not...my heart will ache for a bit.

Good Night all
~toni