I talked to God today...

I asked Him if there was room in Heaven for me with all my anger, hurt and rejection. Im still waiting for an answer. Deep down I think everyone who prays, already know the answers to whatever they ask. I feel that the answer is no. I think He wants me (us) to leave those earthly burdens here...on Earth.



Ive been to many different churches...several denominations and most seem to get caught up in the "pomp & circumstances" or atleast I get distracted by it. I get very comfussed and want to ask questions. Ya know...the kind they dont want to answer.

Like...

Why are we here? why did God create us? The best answer i got was..."to praise Him". Sounds kinda vain to me...and IF God is vane...then why is it a sin for us to be vane?...afterall Arent we suppose to be trying to be "GOD LIKE"?... perfect?


The other day someone was getting all hyped-up about whether God was male or female....who cares? I think God is both and neither. I mean... is it really all that important?

Ive decided that Im not going to church anymore...not on Sundays anyway. Ill read the bible with a clear mind, continue to ask questions of learned people and fellowship as often as I can.

I believe that God is goodness, that Jesus was His Son and He died on the Cross for my/our sins. I believe in the Holy Ghost. I believe that the ONLY was is thru Jesus Christ and that my job as a christian is to learn the Word...speak the Word...and strive everyday to become "Christlike"... keep a clean heart and mind, and to learn to forgive....

those are my thoughts tonight....thnx for listening...~Toni

How Time Flys

Im back! theres no excuse for my dissapperence...I guess I just got busy living my life.
So much has happened since 2007 , that it'll take several posts to catch everyone up.


Since there have been no births....Ill start with the deaths.
My nephew past away in Nov. of 2009....his heart just stopped. He was starting to fail for months before he died, but its always a shock when someone dies. He died 3 days after his 30th birthday. I'm still sad. He was a brave young man, father of 2 adorable girls.

My dad died in Jan. of this year. I did not attend the funeral....not many people did. Mom did her best but too many family members knew what he was . Its hard to honor a man like that. I found myself crying the day before he was cremated...unfortunately it was not from grief but from what could have been... I stopped immediately and haven't cried since.

My favorite Aunt joined Jesus on March of this yr. I use to argue with the cousins that when I grew up....I was going to be an "Aunt Glenna not an Aunt Toni" I still silently miss her.

Pres. Bush sux

We've all been hearing about how the Bush administration is damning our country. Not being content to just hearing the rumors, Ive been reading alot of factual information about this. There is no doubt that our government has turned against the democracy thatestablished it. I am continually apaulled by the evil intities that are running our wonderful country so Ive decided to start posting some of the info Ive been reading here . I ask that u read...reread...and watch the videos....no matter how hard they are to see....its the truth people....its out there...its our job to seek it out...speak it out...and take charge of the change. Here's one of the best links..

www.truthorlies.org

More to come

Merry Christmas everyone

Today has come and gone...Technically..We did nothing!
Other than buy the few required gifts for family & friends Craig and I decided that since we were broke....We'd wait til the after Christmas sales strarted to buy our gifts for each other....as usual Ill buy them both...he has no idea what to get me. I've decided to buy him a TiVo. Ill have to think what he's buying me...LOL It took me most of this month to recover from my trip to FL. Physically IM just too frail to travel anymore. Sucks
But it was still a wonderful day. All the kids that think of me as a surrogate mom came by one by one to show me the best 2 gifts that Santa brought em....A few families came over to ask me to take a family picture of them in their Christmas finery...I did....Now I need to burn copies to give them. Craig worked a double so I was alone most of the day...Hes back at work now...IM tired but my chest is hurting a little and IM finding it tough to breath when I lay down so here I am at 4:18 am typing on my blog. yaaaaawwwwwn ! That pic up there is my grand-niece...Isobella, we call her Izzy.
She's 4 and I swear shies the smartest 4 yr old I know. I just met her in Nov. She has a little sister that so darn adorable!!!. I think they both take after their great-aunt :)

~Sigh~ ivy been thinking 'bout the trip home....I have mixed feelings. Moms still VERY passive aggressive...Shooting barbed comments out like she did when I was 11. Dad's dying...Sad to say but the truth. My brother is awesome...But I noticed that he shakes a lot. Hope hex not going to get Parkinson like dad. Overall I was good to see everyone...I miss that...Not having them in my life for so long BUT.........Ill NEVER stay at moms again...She drove me nuts. Its worth the $$ to stay at a motel. Don't get me wrong...I love her...But ive been on my own too long to be stuffed back in that lil emotional box she had me in as a child. I fought it back then and I fought it last month.

gonna try to sleep now...Thanx for listening....g'nite
~Toni

HO HO Henely

The Wall of Grace & Beyond

Alot of time has passed since my last post. I thank you all for commenting. It seems that Ive hit the wall of Grace and got my second wind in blessings.

The GoodI went home (FLA) for Thanksgiving and stayed with Mom for 13 days. I saw a few of my cousins and alot of their kids I had never met yet. some married by now. Met one of my brothers biological sisters!.....a delight woman. Looks just like him too! Saw my Dad.

The not so good...He sure didnt look like the man I remembered. Gone was the large weathered man who had a grand sense of humor and a mind like a steel trap. In his place I saw a withered old man whose skin was pail and soft. His eyes were clear and he knew who I was imediately. I went to see him everyday while I was there. WE would talk and....stuff...my happy memories...the time Mi8ke & I would sneek up behind him while he sat at the dinner table, and would dangle a string over the crack of his butt till some of it would dissappear...he'd make a squeeling sound that would send mike & I running with laughter. We never got tired of doing that to him.(remember that he was way over 300 lbs so his pants always rode down past his butt when he sat down) He remembered that!

THE GREAT! I saw so many relitives while in Fla. 3 got me alone and confronted me about when I had told them about what Dad had done to me....I SWEAR that I didnt not bring the subject up. Mind you that the only weird thing about this is that I told one person...my brother over 30 yrs ago and NEVER brought it up again. My Aunt was told 22 yrs ago and my sis in law was told by someone else...not my brother. wMy aunt & sis in law asked flat out...I told em both that it didnt matter now but that I had not lied back then and wasnt going to start now. Both stated that they were sorry they werent there for me then...I smiled and as gently as I could I said ..."me too" Mike confronted me at the airport while we were waiting for my plane to load...He turned to me out of the blue ands said "Toni...I remember you told me when we were kids, I didnt believe u & im so sorry. INside my head there were bombs going off! A pray had been answered. Him above all was the one person I needed to know before I died. we talked for the 90 min wait and just before he pulled away from the curb he beeped...I looked...he mouthed.."TONI I LOVE YOU...ALWAYS HAVE" Thinking that he was just adding that to a "GOOD BYE" I said I loved him too. HE THEN MOUTHED..."no, I mean it...Im soo sorry and I believe you and I love you chomeyCHOMEY!!!! He hasnt called me that since we were in grade school!..it was his nick name for me( he couldnt say toni due to a speech impediment) needless to say I was in tears...as I am now.

THE FUNNYI took so many pictures! I tried to take one of the dog my brother inherited from his daughter...Henley...but after several attemps and trying for a head shot...all id get were butt shots....the darn dog was so hyper!...I had mike hold him for me. Once I got home I picked the best buttshot and made a photostamp of it...lmao...sent the stamps to mike and got a phonecall...He was laughing so hard that I couldnt understand him for the first 3 mins of the call. I had drawn a sants hat dangling from the tip of henleys tail...ill post the pic...I call it "HoHo Henley".

The SADIt doesnt look like craig & I will be getting foster kids...craig was arrested for indecent exposure 10 yrs ago...seems that he was peeing in the bathroom at the beach and a plainclothes cop arrested him for masterbaiting...craig says that he moved his hand to cover himself cuz a stranger was looking at his privates while he was peeing. I believe craig...he cant even look at tv when people r kissing...it embarrasses him...and craig is sooo9o not one to be in the limelight...he perfected the art of fading into the shadows. However...he didnt pass trhe LIFESCAN..we requested an exemption...and were denied and just recently have appealed. say a prayer. If its what God wants...we will get our kids...if not...my heart will ache for a bit.

Good Night all
~toni

color5

color5, originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell.

I love this one by Rosie O

Aint life grand!

WOW! I dont know if Im living in a fantacy or what but I swear that since we have moved into the new apt. life is running soooooo smoothe!...I finally got approved for my SSDI! yipppppies! that has been a 4 yr battle..WOW what a first check! then my ebay store, or should i say craigs store ( in his name) has just shot off the page....then and old friend finally paid me the $2,000.00 she owed me AND...get this!....I finally got my all the credits I needed for my masters degree!...oh ya AND...Im losing weight!...the new dietbeties meds the doc started me on r working, keeping my sugar under 150 so as a by-product to that ive lost 45 pounds in 1 month. doc says im fine...that its due to the diet changes Ive made to accomidate the dietbeties finally showing...itll tapor off eventually. Pain is still a large part of everyday but I honestly beleive that after i shed 200 more pounds Ill lose alot of that too.

not so grand....

we r flying to Fla ( from cali) in june. To visit the family....dads not doing too well....mom says he just gave up when she put him in the old folks home ( for therapy only...not to live.the aggreement was that he would have to stay there til he was able to walk...) But really....she couldnt handle him anymore...he was 300+ pounds to my moms 150 and whenever he fell she would have to call the fire department to come and get him off the floor. and he fell often. Hes been forgetting things for over 2 yrs now and even had a shunt put in his head to keep the fluids off his brain but now hes worse. Mom said that the other day she went to visit him ( she goes everyday & sits with him for 3-4 hours) and he was in the bathroom just sitting in his wheelchair starring at the wall...when she asked him if he was ok he said..ya...just have to go poo. she then went to talk to the nurses and found out that hes been going in there & just sitting in the wheelchair 6-7 times a day...not trying to get on the pot...or accepting / asking for help...then of course he poops his pants...he doesnt talk to anyone...barely responds when spoken too...its sad really...

I remember as a kid I told ppl that my dad had 2 brains cuz nobody could be that smart & only have 1...

a happy memory...

when I was 14 dad & I had a game....he was always studying something...after he would read some HUGE book about something technical...he would tell me to open the book anywhere...pick a paragraph and read him 2 sentances....he would then tell me the page # and the paragraph i read... His mind was like a trap. these books were always waaay over 900 pages thick too!...

wonder if Ill cry at his funeral...if I do it will be for the waisted relationship. He was my hero until I found out that he was molesting me. After that all was lost...i had to live with him but I didnt have to like him....and I didnt for over 30 yrs. Recently he called me and told me that it was all his fault( mom got tired of my anger about it always focused at her and told him to call me and say something ...)...that he was wrong...even tho I knew that he would /will never admit that to mom or my brother, i felt validated somehow...I forgave him when he asked me too....so sad that that was only 4 months ago. It amazes me that in a matter of a few words I felt the anger of 30+ yrs lift off me...but alot of time has passed and its not just the issue of the molesting anymore....theres the times I would tell a family member(aunt...uncle) and he would say nothing while my mom would tell them that I was lying....and the times he would say off colored remarks like...."i know I didnt satisfy u but is that any reason to make my life a living hell?...or u know that no-one will beleive u over me"....I understand he was on serviver mode...but so was I.

So with over 30 yrs since Ive really talked to him and the entire length of USA between us and his mind going....I really dont know him.

so sad.

Insomnia....again

It seems that my "cant sleep" cycle has come around once more....so Im up! My butts hurting & theres not a thing on TV ...as u can tell Im not in a good mood, I hate being bored!...cant really sit long enough to sew, crochet or embroider so I guess ill have to read some more...I bit my tongue while sleeping yesterday so its sore too...it has 2 knots on it and they keep hitting my teeth....grrrrrrrrr! Wheres my damn Zoloft!
2 friends r comming over tomarrow. we r going to ATTEMPT to build a "cat" jungle gym....wish us luck...lol
ok...going to go lay dwn & read....good night all

Got this in my email...

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign.

Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today, and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."


The war in Iraq is not going as advertised. It is a flawed policy wrapped in illusion." ~ U.S. Rep. John P. Murtha, (D) 12th-PA.

i remember reading a lil ditty when I was stationed in S. Korea....something about how the as@hole is the boss of the entire body....well if I doubted it authenticity before, I sure believe it now!!! Its been a few days since I was bitten by that darn spider & boy does my bum hurt!....it took a chunk of my poor tushy too!....there is actually a shallow part to my cheek now....that bloody arachnid's spit disintegrated my flesh....welp...there goes my pantyline!....my gf says that i had gas so bad that I blew part of my cheek away!....HURRUMPH!...

oh ! the Indignity of it all!

Thought I had a boil from satan on my butt! In fact I told my Pastor that Satan had me by the butt & was tryin to drag me down. Right on my poor cheek...just in the right spot that whenever i sat on the toilet, it caught the rim..OUCH!. It grew & grew til my entire cheek was rock hard and ranged in color from bright red to dark purple. First u need to understand that at 357+ pounds my butt rivalls Asia for land space. So when I say my entire cheek...well, u get the idea.
I did everything...soaked in hot water...used tons of Neosporan....expressed it....nothing helped!...still , it grew and grew!

Then the fever came & not long after that the vomitting started. Mercy I was one sick puppy. I went to the Emergency Room and Dropped my drawers to what seemed like every Doctor in Long Beach! Finally! I was informed that I had been bitten by a spider called a "BROWN RECLUSE" nasty lil things let me tell u!.
So...as we speak, Im on booty rest....I have to stay off my butt till it heals more. No sitting for me...strictly bedrest with my butt elevated! oy vey!

~Heres to better days & the death to Brown Recluses!

Moving ...
is mind numbing,
bone aching,
back breaking,
spine crunching,
personality altering,
gut wretching,
non humorous,
time comsuming,
sweat producing
work....
thank God it's over!!!!!

GOOD NIGHT!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Starting the back-n-forth that goes with moving today....will be off line till settled in new place & services r transfered!

tidbits

FRUSTRATING NEWS-
Today I got the news that I was turned down for SSI....they say Im not dissabled under their rules! Guess its against their rules to breathe....since thats about all i can do without pain. lol...Ijust have toremember IN GOD'S HANDS-IN HIS TIME!
Round one---I lost

GOOD NEWS-
We got the apartment! 2 bedrooms! rightby the pool! off road covered parking! yippeeeee. move day is next friday....the 27th. for 7 yrs we have lived in 1 room with a kitchen & bath off of it...ONE ROOM! what r we gonna do with 2 rooms just for sleeping...lol imagine....2adults & 4 cats...in one room. We R blessed! anybody got any extra furiture? lol I have very little. rfotflmbo! in HIS time...in HIS time
breathe ...enjoy...

"U Have GREAT EYES!"

Today someone told me something I have heard since I left the womb. " U have wonderful or awesome or incredible eyes" Now...I dont know if it's lowself esteem, or just plain sinicism (sp?) but I've never taken those words as kindess.....seems to me that my eyes r about 2 inches of my entire body....thats less than 1% of my whole person. Not counting my personality...which by the way is awesome... or incredible AND wonderful. :)
I also have a great complextion, my skin tans without effort and at 47 I have never had a cavity & my teeth r straight & bright white. Im fat....about 357 pounds. But u know something? I figure that pretty soon the world will catch up to me. U here everywhere that ppl r getting bigger....I figure I just arrived earlier. Of course Ive never EVER said these thoughts outloud to anyone b4. Ive always smiled & thanked whoever made the comment. Maybe a better way to say it would be .." Among ALL ur attributes, I have to say that ur eyes r wonderful! Now THATS a complement!

Oh ya...BTW...Im back & it feels good! :)

later

Matti

I call her matti, its my special nick name ...just for her
she means so much to me, tho I havent known her very long.
When I gently press my cheek to her, I feel her softness.
each time i run my palms against her, I feel how smoothe she is.
at night...in the dark,she knows just how to soothe my aching body.
she can feel my body melt against her queenlyness.
She makes my heart smile.

Everything she wears, I pick out.
Shes got a great shape...it fits nicely to mine.
When its cold, I snuggle closer.
when its hot, the fans keep us both cool.

She never talks back, tho she can make me grunt.
but that only happens every Saturday morning.
we never go out but, I love her just the same.

u see...Im her first.


the best part is that shes bought & paid for.
I dont think my room mate likes her tho....
Hes always saying...
"get over it Toni....its just a mattress!"

GOTCHA!

New Toy

no! its not THAT kinda toy...silly.

i got a docker printer for my camera! printed 3 pics 20 mins after i got it...yippppieeeeee...I LOVE new toys...yes...those toys too!.
...if ur reading this & take alotta pics...and ur mom is far away...& computer challenged....u gotta get one!...awesome!

BUTTS

2 cheeks & a crack.

big butts
small butts
hairy butts
HUGE butts
tight butts
flabby butts
sloppy butts
dirty butts
stinky butts

head butts
butt kissers
buttheads
buttholes
butt f*&king
butt munchers
hair up ur butt
foot up ur butt

kick ur butt
sit on ur butt
get off ur butt
ream u a new butt
sing ur butt off

i love u but...
im all done, but...
~pawzz

NEW FRIENDS

I belong

FYI

its been a long time since I really posted anything...my apologies.

Ive been reading alot about holistic medicine....chinese herbs & stuff...very intresting but soooo confusing. A topic that requires alot of learning before u can safely use.

my concerns r based with the herbs / foods that can control....
high blood preasure
diabetes
obesity
depression
cholesterol/triglyseride levels

intresting info:what cleanses the blood

1. fresh garlic & vineger & onion (individually)
2. green tea (also aids in weight loss)
3. flaxseed oil( good for many many systems in the body)when using the flaxseed (nut)roast it to get a nutty taste...then sprinkle it on cereal
4. millet...YES! the same stuff u feed birds!....roast it to get a nutty taste...then sprinkle it on cereal
5. kale
6. broccoli
7. tomatoes- best if cooked
8. blueberries
9. citrus
10.soybean

there are so many others but those r the ones that I need to remember....lol
still havent smoked but now Im bored with being a non smoker...does that make sense?

~later

SOMETIMES A NAME CHANGE IS BEST

...and again

...and again

...and again

Funny signs

u know...sometime u just gottA LAUGH.

Here we go....again

well...I woke up on Sunday morning about 4 am...been up since then...i hate this!...If i dont take the sleeping meds...i dont sleep. I cant see me living on pills all the time...then when I do take them...im dopey the next day...lets seeee...its been about 53 hours so far and Im no where near winding down. Thank God I dont feel the need to eat while Im up!. Still no smokes or diet coke...yippie. The bags under my eyes have bags. I do get alot done during this time but geeesh!...will have to talk to the Doc...when I see him. we gotta get a handle on it...



ok...im done....for now
~ =^..^=

Fav things and turn offs

someone asked me yesterday...what was my favorite place on a womans body?....i responded....to do what?...lol...seriously!...to...do...what...

TO CUDDLE- the spot behind the ear & the base of her neck.
TO KISS- hmmmm...everywhaere but definitely cant forget the soles of the foot :)
TO LOOK AT- the spot right above the butt crack!...where skinny grrrls have dimples & between the pubic mons and the belly button.
TO make love to- well lets just say that Im a healthy lesbian & leave it at that. :)
TO SPOON- both in front & back. I love to hold & be held.
SEXUAL FANTASY?...make love in a treehouse. rotf...really! can u see me thumping my chest & doing the Tarzan yell....


So see?...I wasnt being funny....Its kinda like asking me what my favorite color is....I love baby blanket yellow...but i certainly DONT want my car that color. I also like several shades of green & brown/orange...but again...not my car...or my house....or my carpet...
Now if u wanted to ask me my fav number than Id say...6....no..NOT 666! just plain ole 6.
Fav color eyes is that milk chocolate brown...almost carmel like.
If asked what my fav race was?...Id say Native American....and swedish (im a swede)

BIGGEST TURN-OFFS?
odor
vaginal warts....well ur reading this...rotf
cruddy teeth
head games
vanilla people...wishy washy
anger
violence
constent noise without a purpose
pity parties
clingy needy people
liers
theives
drunks
doing other peoples laundry...yucky-poo
people who pee in the pool



~ok...all done
~=^..^=

pink keyboard

OK...I did it again...
remember those slap stick comedies we all saw as kids?...openning the bag of chips...only to have it open so hard that the chips flew all over the place?

now...
u know those neat crystal lite to go packs?...

well...
AFTER I spent 1 hour cleaning my keyboard...taking all the keys off ....cleaning each one, then wiping out the board itself...

I got thursty

sooo...
tried to open one....tried is the key word...hmmmmm

now I have a pink sticky keyboard

could only happen to me....

My thoughts on the Gastric Bypass

All along Ive been counting on the gastric bypass to lose weight. Not that I couldnt lose it myself but that it would be easier!...hmmmm

my ex sent me a websight of this lady who was my size in may of 2003....had the surgery and made a written & picture journal of it all...hmmmm

On this website there were nude pics of her extra skin...wowzer! lotsa extra skin.

lately she has added pics of the reconstructive surgeries shes had....4 to date....hmmmmm

after looking at the latest pics....im rethinking the surgery. she looks alot like Frankenstien. scar from armpit to elbow, completely around her waist, from knee to pub....up either side of her pubic hair. scars under each boob...and she still needs at least 2 more surgeries...just to getrid of the skin


I figure that all that PLUS the surgery to cut off her intestines & stomach might be a bit too much for me...Soooo

Unless something changes my mind....ill just diet to lose the weight...never had a problem...when i set my mind to it...just the life long thing of keeping it off is what i question about myself. Up until recently...the loosing weight was just for looks but now its a health issue. I just dont wanna open a new can-o-worms with all those surgeries.

I still plan to keep a pic journel tho. also remember that Ill probably will still need to get alot of skin cut off after I lose it...makes more sense to me to forgo the the gastric bypass....healthier too.

todays reflections

So what!~ I cant spell & puncuation bores me. My gifts lay elsewhere.

Still no coke & still smokeless!...stopped counting cuz it just reminds me what im missing.

~to leslie... I am what I am, I do not pretend, never will...never have. If u saw something different...thats on u.

~to Danielle....thnx bud.

Friends r gr8!... some came around today...just to see if all was good...it was...too0k pics & added em to my flickr....go look.

nothin better on a hot day then good friends & a cold beer....or 4

Life is good.
later =^..^=

When kids talk to God.

>1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and
>Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
> Amanda
>
>
>
>2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for
>was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it
>up.
> Joyce
>
>
>
>3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people
>to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
> Janet
>
>
>
>4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell
>me.
> Love Alison
>
>
>
>5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
> Charlene
>
>
>
>6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
>his golf words in the house?
> Anita
>
>
>
>7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody
>in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
>never do it.
> Nancy
>
>
>
>8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
>You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
> Glenn
>
>
>
>9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little
>boy. How far back do you go?
> Love, Dennis
>
>
>10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you
>don't, who does?
> Nathan
>
>
>
>11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was
>it an accident?
> Norma
>
>
>
>12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
> Jennifer
>
>
>
>13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days
>and don't do any now?
> Billy
>
>
>
>14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp
>this year.
> Peter
>
>
>
>15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
>if they each had their own
>rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
> Larry
>
>
>
>16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.
> What's up? Don't forget.
> Mark
>
>
>
>17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it
>just doesn't sound right.
>What do you say?
> Marsha
>
>
>
>18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my
>new shoes.
> Barbara
>
>
>
>19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just
>know him through the business?
> Donny
>
>
>
>20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than
>you. Well, I just want you to
>know that I am not just saying that because you are already God.
> Charles
>
>
>
>21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the
>right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
> Jeff
>
>
>
>22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
> Frank
>
>
>
>And, saving the best for last
>
>23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw
>the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
> Thomas

Ever notice the gross things some people do?...
Last week, I was sitting in my wheelchair at a redlight. The was an older guy standing abit in front , to the left of me. I was kinda daydreaming when I noticed that he was picking a scab at his fore arm....OMG! then he ate it!...I swear...Needless to say I almost gagged.
Then Satarday, I was out doing errands and while in line at Micky D's I actually saw a man....a father with several children pick a zit on his neck....AND EAT IT! I lost my apitite & left.
Naturally; after that I started to watch people around me...to be more observant of what they do.
My landlord always has this toothpick in his mouth. It just sits there, to the side like it grew there. I saw him pick his teeth with it, pull it out to look at it....then put it back in his mouth to clean it!...why? Does it only work if u look at it?...why not toss the toothpick & get another one? ....or at least wipe the darn thing off first!!!...Thats taking oral etupus to the extreme!.

Then theres the funny things people do....when they think its annonomous.

I know this person....who will remain nameless....she will cock a cheek & fart anywhere...the louder the better....the stinkier it is...the funnyer it is. But IF she makes any noise while in a public bathroom stall?...she lifts her feet!...rotf...I guess the setting has alot to do with it. Id be intrested in hearing some of the things all of you have noticed about those around you.

later
=^..^=

50 things i could be doing other then blogging

What does one do , when one can't sleep.....MAKE A STUPID LIST!

1. researching for the book I promised myself Id write before I died.
2. cleaning the bathroom.
3. Sleeping.
4. giving myself a pedicure.
5. reading other peoples blogs.
6. watching TV
7. taking pictures.
7. playing with my cats.
8. vacuming the carpet.
9. Dusting
10. writting long overdue letters to family & friends.
11. beading
12. quilting
13. finishing the shirt I started 3 weeks ago.
14. mending
15. having sex. (ya lol right!)
16. moisturising my skin.
17. day dreaming.
18. reading the newspaper
19. reading Rosies book.
20. digging thru the fridge for something to snack on.
21. sorting all the sox in the soxbox.
22. doing a puzzle.
23. make fraces at myself in the mirror.
24. design the cat-tree i want to build one day.
25. play online games.
26. shave my head...oh! i already did that.
27. shop on ebay....again
28. fold my underware...ya! right
29. count pennies.
30. roll pennies.
31. get drunk...oh ya...i dont drink.
32. do more work on the christmas presants Im making.
33. shave some ice.
34. did i already say play with the cats?...well..play more then.
35. clean out the fridge.
36. write a letter to the Bush admin telling them what a crappy job theyre doing.
37. call my Mom.
38. bake some cookies....hmmmm :)
39. Eat cookies :)
40. reorganise all my computer stuff.
41. think of better lists to blog.
42. ...and shorter ones.
43. do the laundry.
44. brush the cats.
45. bead both the kitties a stretchy collar.
46. TRIM the cats nails!!!!
47. read online more about homeopathic medicine.
48. Work on my scrapbooking.
49. clean out my filing cabinet.
50. clean my hard drive.

the end.
later all =^..^=

What id tell Ro....If I could

I hesitate responding to Ro's blog, altho I read it everyday. Why?...Probably due to the fact that Im always # 3000000000000 and Im sure she cant possibly have the time to read em all....and if so...by the time she got to mine...she'd probably be too tired to really absorb my witt & wisdom & I would want her to. So this is what I would tell her....If I could.

Ro~
U have got to be the most wonderfully, insane, unselfish, brave woman I have EVER come... across? & yet ur soooo normal. Granted my oppinions are derived from seeing ur work (movies), ur show & reading ur blog, but i think that Ive seen enough of ur imperfections to tell that ur sincere in ur expressed passions. Kids, Family & kindness.
Obviously ur Movies dont portray U but the ones u choose to do....do. Ur show was mostly u...although I heard that u struggled to keep "U" in it. BRAVO!!

I find myself wanting to give u words that convey the ...for lack of better words...comfort that u spread....pure yellow. U've touched so many people, given alot back to the yellow. Yet u dont boast...I hear ur sadness that u cant give more....that u cant solve everybody's woes. U are so much a better person than I...lol. Id have no problems tunning out. lol

Although we dont run in the same financial circles....or even the same social circles & definitely not political. ( i read ur oppinions & get sooo lost...its all i can do to remember what butthead is in office this time).) I feel like we have alot in common...I think thats why so many people love u....we all feel like we have alot in common with u.
Its my opinion that ur humor was developed as a tool for survival. Those of us that have childhood woulds all find & use such tools. Ur humor made us stop & listen....ur sincerity makes us listen deeper....but ur steadfast kindness...ur reaching out & allowing us to be a part of ur yellow is what keeps us tuned into u. Ive noticed that humor isnt prevalent in ur blogs....just statements, understandings, oppinions. Bravo!

I dont mean to ramble on...to gush about u...ive read those comments & quite frankly some sounded like they were caught up un the fame of talking to u. Does it feel like everyone wants a tiny piece of u?...I dont want a piece ro....just wanted to give u some of my yellow....
In closing Id like to pass along something that my Dad told me as a kid....I live by it.

People are like lighthouses...
Some shine their light on rocky shores to warn people away.

others shine it on calm water...
to show a safe haven.
And others shine their light on calm waters...

then once its too late to change coarse...
they reveal the rocks.

In my opinion u ro show the rocks and try to be a safe haven.
Just remember that u cant & arent s'pose to save everyone.

u've been given a gift....thanx for sharing it.

ur stranger friend,
Toni =^..^=



thats what Id say...then Id ask her if she wanted to go fishing!...lmao

midnight snax

Yesterday went by in a whirlwind so I didnt get a chance to post. As all oreintations mine was borrrrring!...lecture on saftey, privacy & cheerfulness took FOREVER!....cant wear shorts or open toed shoe....must wear the red jacket they issue... got ID pics...and blood work + shot! So...far as long as Im a volunteer....ill be sporting my bald head on my ID...good grief! unless I wanna p[ay to replace it....nope....let em think im nutz!

came home & played with the kitties...loved on the cats and fell asleep around 9 pm....
sooooooooo
now Im awake and waiting on good ol craig to get back from the taco bell drive thru...yummy....HURRY CRAIG!!!!!
talk to u'all leter...after i sleep s'more
~later all

It said " If u see this then u have to do this" from a stanger friends blog

Shamelessly stolen. If you see this on my blog, you have to do this. X means you have done it.

(x) Smoked a joint
( ) Been in a wet t-shirt contest.
(x) Crashed a car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
(x) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
(XXXXXX) Been fired lmao
(x) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of the house (and in)
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) Been arrested (not yet)
(x) Made out with a stranger
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
( ) Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school
( ) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar (i'm good at holding out for the toilet)
(x) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire ( my palm with a bic)
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone from the internet in person
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Laid and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
(x) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
(x) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sun set
(x ) Felt an earthquake( i live in So. cal)
(x) Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
(x) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
(x) Pet a reindeer/goat (both)
(x) Won a contest
(x) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car accident
( ) Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast (who doesn't)
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (i think i would throw up)
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Danced in the moonlight (many times)
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
( ) Pole danced
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(x) Been to the opposite side of the world ( s. Korea & Germany...US Army)
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying.
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (yesterday)
( ) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins (i'm in college, what did you expect?)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (haven't we all)
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced naked in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
( ) Gone rollerblading
(x) Had a wish come true
(x) Worn pearls
(x) Jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed the word penis in public (in 3 languages!)
( ) Ate dog/cat food
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x ) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Owned a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
( ) Glued your hand to something
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole (worse...and ice tray)
( ) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes
(x) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
(x) Didn't take a shower for a week (camping)
(x) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree (favorite pasttime as a child)
(x) Had a tree house
( ) Are (NOT) scared to watch scary movies
(x) Believe in ghosts
( ) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) Gone streaking
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been skinny dipping
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
(x) Caught a fish then ate it
(x) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried ( and wet my pants!)
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) Mooned/flashed someone (or everyone)
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name.
(x) Slept naked
( ) French braided someone's hair
( )Grown a beard- not yet but menopause is here so we will see

Your Rising Sign is Scorpio

You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire! You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which. No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious. You've got some major mystery going on, so work it! Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with. While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love.

What is Your Rising Sign?

my kisses

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

me me me

Your Birthdate: October 25

Your birth on the 25th day of the month (7 energy) modifies your life path by giving you some special interest in technical, scientific, or other complex and often hard to understand subjects. You may become something of a perfectionist and a stickler for details. Your thinking is logical and intuitive, rational and responsible. Your feelings may run deep, but you are not very likely to let them show. This birthday makes you a more private person, more introspective and perhaps more inflexible. In friendships you are very cautious and reserved. You are probably inventive, and given to unique approaches and solutions.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

hehe....any vanilla's out there?

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun. You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things. You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it. You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

...and again

Your Power Color Is Magenta

At Your Highest: You energize yourself and push others to suceed. At Your Lowest: You feel frustrated and totally overwhelmed. In Love: You are suprised by who you attract. You're a love magnet. How You're Attractive: Open and free spirited, people want to explore the world with you. Your Eternal Question: "What is my next source of inspiration?"

What's Your Power Color?

TY DAWN

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative. You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential. Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them. As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

thnx Dawn...i snagged this from ur blog

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Another day in paradise

Today was a "day off"....
no appointments or respondsibilities.
what did i do?....

EBAYYYYYYYY!!!!

I bought an awesome tent and 2 airbeds!
some friends an I r planning a camping trip before the summer slips by.

they pay for the campsite....we pay for the skidoos. all chip in on the food!...
1 whole week at Lake Perris...by the dam....fresh water fun! I cant wait!! I will definitely share the pics with y'all...lol. A BIG bonfire too!...somemores anyone?

still need to find someone I trust to babysit the cats...lol maybe David...hes cool.


lets see what else did I do?.....

bought 3 sets of sheets for the beds...mine (1 set) craigs (2 sets)

bought new flea collars for all the "kids" and perm collars for the babes & other flea stuff as a back up..

ordered & had shipped a fathers day & moms day gift to parents...a wedding gift for my nephew from my online store...or the inventory of it....still need to set it up.

tomorrow starts the volunteering with an orientation & blood tests. They say they now require that all help get a shot for mumps or measles...whatevers comming back & 2 neg titer tests TB. Looking forward to doing this...been talking about it for over a yr.

I washed windows...in & out...phew! not as exhilarating as ebay but much needed.

Craig got the oil changed in the car and went around town paying the bills. Again the jerk in 88 ( the apt we want ) paid so itll be atleast another week...sigh

16 days since I had a diet coke.....4 days since a smoke. so far it aint hard at all....say ur prayers for me...longest without a smoke was 11 days.

with that Ill close for now.
~later all
=^..^=

Todays rambles

Just got back from having my Lung Function test done....unofficially - I passed. I get told officially on the 27th. Next stop is the consultation with the surgeons. Who knows when that'll be.

Got the new camera Ive been waiting for. Ebay is a blessing!. I saved $400.00!!

the new Babies r adorable...as all babies r. here r some pics with the new camera...of the new babies. Each has a different personality. Dusty (m) likes to rough house...we try to discourage it tho...remember Im use to the BIG cats & always teach passivness ....Sunshine (f)is the kisser. She wants nuttin but lovin. Guess whos mine (F) and whos my roomies (M) lol Sunshine is the cutie pie with the black face....Dusty has stripes.

baldness

It has taken only a few days for my head to go from charlie brown bald, to tennis ball fuzz....lol It feels like the fuzzy side of velcro. Very liberating!!!!
what Ive found out with my bald head.
1. I have no scars.
2. I have no 6's.
3. I can feel the softest breeze on my scalp.
4. I like the feeling of my head on my pillow.
5. i dont have dandriff
6. people get use to it fast.
7. People tell me Im brave not stupid...lol
8. my head is very round

although I dont plan on doing this again im really enjoying it.
BALD GIRLS ARISE!!!!

A new begining

Im off today to apply as a volenteer at the local Veterans Hospitol!...First time Ive even tried to work in about 10 yrs. Im all prettyed up and after this smoke Im off. Wish me luck!
~later

The anger...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. That was harder for me to admit then it was to say.

Lastnight I admitted to myself that our relationship was definately over....had been since march. No more friends. no more listening to your convincing lies, wondering who you were actually with. No one spends THAT much time with their Moms!. Stupid me, so stupidly infatuated with someone who can't be themselves. Your reason for the break up was that you have fibromyalgia and it hurts too much to be touched, that you didnt want to hold me down....in retrospect your an ass and im gullible: an ass that you kept dangling a carrot in front of.

Your parting shot was that you tried to be what I wanted. How asinine! all i ever wanted was to be able to trust...what you said, what I saw In you (what you presented yourself to be), you with my heart.

Ya ya ya, I know I went manic a few times with all the doubt I kept inside. Ya ya ya I know that caused you stress. But no ones perfect & I recovered fast enough.

My Dad once told me that ...
"people are like lighthouses,
some shine their light to warn others of danger.
some use their light to show the way to a save haven.
and others show their light as if to guide to safety but at the last minute...when its too late, they shine on the rocks, the danger".

People like you leave a wake of pain, sadness and scars but I refuse to pitty you. I refuse to pitty me. I refuse to stay in this pit of sadness that you have tried to imprison me. You stay there, I dont like the company.

This post is an epitaph of my time with you. I will not read it again. Let it stand as written, errors included, they make their own silent statement. I will take the lessons I have again learned and carry on....

The Tasmainian Tiger

Can anyone tell me why we are cloning this animal?

Sunday's Fiasco

lastnight I thought id trim my hair. Ive done it before...Its easy
but...I musta shifted my attention for just a second and disaster struck.
I was using electric clippers and smack!. I created a bald spot!...I tried to fix it...ummmm...my atempts ended up in a cockeyed mohawk. Christ! im 46...I have no bussiness wearing my head in a mohawk. so with all the confidence I could muster...I continued to "fix" it. I kept running the childhood scene from when my mom would attempt to trim my bangs & kept trying until there were just lil spikes about 1/4 inch sticking straight up.
So, I stuck my tongue out in concentration and tugged along thru this...it couldnt be too hard...right?
WRONG...
I now sport a doo that from the front I resemble charlie brown & from the back I look alot like Winston Churchill!. Mercy! I am bald!...to the skin.... I look like aomeone who has endured 3 rounds of chemo. whoa-is-me!
Then...
I cleaned up the hair & there was alot of it, tossed it in the toilet...flushed, rinsed the sink and noticed that the sink wasnt draining. I turned to the toilet and saw that all that hair wouldnt flush & I had clogged the toilet too!...now im bald & starting to panic cuz I dont wanna have the landlord see my baldness. so I start to plunge...I plunge with all my heart & soul...that moment I became a plunging maniac...the toilet reluctantly flushed so naturally I thought I could do the same to the sink, thinking ill scrub it afterwards. so in the sink goes the plunger...up down up down faster & faster... over & over...

did u know that the sink has a hole near the rim?
hell I didnt...till a mixture of hair & water showered all over me. So now im a bald plunging wet hair mess...and all 4 of my cats decide that they want to use the litter box!...in the bathroom. well I had to stay in there because I put draino in the sink...and it sat there...at the bottom...real nice like. My cats drink from the bathroom faucet (we leave a slow stream running for them) & I didnt want them to think the water in the sink was to drink...

so now im a sweaty bald wet & hairy plunging maniac...sitting on the pot watching 4 cats shuffle around and stink up the air.

did u ever notice that cats take forever to go potty? Mercy!

and I didnt even have my smokes.

Finally I shew'd the felines out, sprayed some much needed scent and got to hop in the shower to wash all the itchy hair off.
notice I did not say that I continued to work on the sink. I gave in and called the landlord , who promptly told me that he would call in the morning & get a plummer out here... IN THE MORNING!!!!!

who is going to sit on the pot & watch my kitties poop!

3 hours later I realise that all I have to do is move the litter box out of the bathroom & close the door....then get a bowl of water...

as far as I can see there is only one damn thing that was a positive in the hair trimming fiasco....I had something to blog about!...yea me


such is a normal day in my life.
moral of the day?
pay the damn $5.00 to get ur hair trimmed!


~later

What makes a relationship sour?

1. non communication
2. time passing with no interaction
3. loss of trust
4. only one person working to make it work.

How can a person be so active sexually for a year

then....

tell you that it has always hurt to have you touch them?

now...

I KNOW that Im a sensitive person...Im one of those people that actually wants & enjoys pleasing...

but...

come on! there is absolutely NO WAY i couldve been making love to her ...been hurting her (even when we just cuddled) and not felt a reaction of somesort....
is there?...

My God!!!

it crushes me to think that that my attention has been hurting her & she didnt feel comfortable enough to tell me.

am I...

so blind that i cant feel a recoil from pain....no matter how slight?

confused...

I know that fibromyagia sux, that you hurt alot with it.

but still...

there must be some days that the pain isnt so bad that a soft caress or a hug is acceptable.

also...

what about all those times she was the aggresser?

and now she says...

that she doesnt want to be gf's...that she cant drag me thru or hold me back because of her medical issues. That if she ever wanted a gf...id be the one.

and...

she says she still loves me. that Im her adorable woman...

i think...

shes an awesome lady, that shes just the right combination of witty, smart, funny, loving, giving, well rounded person.

she called me her soulmate....

now im her special friend. so sad.

Dear God,

please dont send another lady my way that lives more than 30 mins away...
and PLEASE make me sensitive and attentitive enough to make sure Im not causing her pain. it hurts too much.

Amen.

It amazes me that so much time has passed since my last blog!...
feels like yesterday.

Ive been busy...after I caught up on sleep!...
I read ro's blog from the begining...wow! she sure has alot to say....

I bought an awesome digital camera from ebay...cant wait til it gets here!

2 new furry babies now reside in our home...we still have to name them!...6 weeks old but eating food! yippie!

roomies work hours r gettin ready to change....un-yippie...
but the pay is the same...re-yippie!

still waiting for the new apt. the jerk living there keeps paying his rent....grrrrrr.

got my glucose moniter today...clocked in at 286!...gotta bring it down!

thinking of going to see ro's tommy in his new movie today....wanting to understand his newfound cockiness.
will fill u in tomarrow....maybe :)

out here....

Friends-wisdom from me

They come in all sizes, shapes and temperaments.
each has a different past...A different future
but somehow we all come together, open our lives and share a bit of ourselves.

If you're lucky enough , you stumble across 1 or 2 that are extra special. These are the life long friends...The soul sisters...They make your heart smile.

they are a blessing!...A gift...

but there are rules.
they differ from friendship to friendship, but the basic rules are the following...

1. You must like yourself- you cant expect someone to find you special if you don't think so.

2. Be a good secret keeper- a must!!! If you blab everything then you miss the special times that friends tell you everything they are going thru.

3. Be a good listener and a stable shoulder- friends vent to friends and sometimes a friend just needs to bounce ideas or feelings off of a friend. They also will eventually need a shoulder to lean on...HEAVILY!

4. Make sure that you allow them plenty of alone time. Especially when they have a partner..Just remember that clingy people grow tiresome.

5. COMPROMISE-self explanatory...LOL

6. Above all else REMEMBER!!! Your have to be a friend....to have a friend

Laundry?

I love this picture!. If you dont look closely, you'll miss the pooch!...I have him framed & sitting on my desk and nobody passes by without giving him a doubletake. It always makes me chuckle. Just dont take out the laundry!

More Memories

I remember...

A long time ago
that large Co.
& the oilspill

Dawn detergent saved the day
so many birds died
we tried to save em
and we did
alot of em anyway.

Such a waste, so sad.

scrape, dunk...
wash wash wash, rinse.
treat for shock...iv fluids

dont break the feathers!
make sure to rinse well!
stay calm!
and most of all....
keep going!


when i got there...
the stuff was like tar
dead lil bodies all over...
we burned most...burried the rest...
poor things.

alot of orphaned chicks too
clean em off...
box em up
ship em out to foster homes.

was a learning time
but the cost was too high.

bits & pieces

Sooooo. its 3:33 am here and this is the second night without sleep. I woke up Friday at about 10 am and havent been asleep since....I feel tired but that never matters...Im always feeling tired. he sleeping meds the Doc gives me either dont work...or make me a zombi the following day. Atleast theres good TV on....

JUST SOME RAMBLIN THOUGHTS
If humor came in shapes...
and, sarchasm came in colors.
Id be a Dark Purple square....slightly off kilter.
Imagine, a square...
now tilt that square 3 degrees to the left.
thats my veiwpoint on life....
'cuz I swear no one has the same quick-witted,querky sense of humor I do. I boarderline on being bittingly sarcastic to downright raunchy.

For instance....

I think I think farts are proof that God has a sense of humor, and I still laugh at the lil dog tugging on the coppertone girls drawers.
then theres also the fact that Im adorable ( my mom told me so) that aways helps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had an old shirt that fit good and it was my fave....it was starting to get frayed around the edges so took it apart....ironed it...then used brown bags * cut out its pattern...Today I picked up some nice fabric and actually cut it out. Tomarrow I think (if im awake) Ill pick out some buttons. I cant wait to use my new Bernina sewing machine. Kinda scared too. lol I was going to wait til we moved into the new place but what the heck!...a girls gotta do what a girl can when sleep is not to be had.
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Told the new landlord today that our broiler doesnt work...He said since he just put 2 million into the place....it was going to be awhile before he replaced the stove. lol & u know me, with all the grace in the universe i asked him how much he was going to discount our rent until the broiler was fixed....he came back with "nothing" ....my jaw dropped!...He then said that he didnt even know I had a stove til I told him the other day ( i live in a 1 room suite with a full bath & full kitchen off of it) He said that the old owner didnt tell him I had a kitchen...so I guess he thought that since he didnt know....he wasnt responsible...rotf...I boldly responded that "that wasnt my fault"..thinking that maybe I was a bit too forceful, I toned it down abit and informed him that the maneger said it was a celiniod & that he could fix it...so it was decided that the maneger would get the part & fix my broiler. Go figure....that just proves it dont take brains to run a bussiness....just money.

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Finally dumped that crappy electric litterbox...went back to the other one we had....been thinking about buying the attatchment for the toilet & training the cats to use it...but im afraid that if company uses the potty after the cats have pooped....since the cats dont flush....the company will think that we used it & didnt flush....maybe Ill make a sign that says "the cats dont flush!- the people do"
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Make sure u visit all the webCam links in this blog!...theyre awesome...I love the afiCam...I actually got to watch a herd of elephants go to the drinking hole!....ktoo cool!

When u click on the link...u will have to search on the page to find the actual link to the webCam...click on that and u get to see the live stream. It amazes me to no end!...
the links may be listed inder several different monicure....just look for a link with the word Cam in it...Ill bet u'll get addicted.

Here are some of the pics I took using the wewbcam:

SHARKCAM


OLDFAITHFULCAM


ELEPHANTCAM

What I would do if I won the lottery..maybe

OK people...its time for another list...

what I would do if I won the lottery.

1. collect it
2. get a good lawyer
3. ...and a good accountant
4. pay off my HUGE student loans
5. buy a rag top VW
6. pile the money up and roll in it....nude
7. clean up the mess.
8. buy me a decent digital camera...maybe a cannon
9. buy a house thats zoned for home/bussiness
10. start a no kill cat shelter
11.Live in the back of the shelter/home
12. foster older kids
13. get Craigs teeth fixed
14. find out what financial help my parents may need
15. help my parents
16. INVEST INVEST INVEST!!!!
17. learn how to invest...
18. learn about tax shelters
19. use them
20. make sure my home has a craft room
21. build an addition for craig to live in.
22. visit my family in Fla.
23. tythe to my church.
24. write a few books.
25. BUDGET BUDGET BUDGET!!!
26. whittle away at my other debts.

thats it. lol I dont need much. (bet u thought i was going to go to 100)

color my world with happy colors 

SMOKING GUN,s 101 hollyweird secrets

I saw a show lastnight called "101 best kept hollywood secrets" there was a blurp about rosie & Ellen. all in all it was a good blurb. Basically said that rosie was in the closet until she felt the need to fight Fla for the right to adopt. Some other actors made decent remarks and i was happy that it wasnt a rosie or ellen (mostly ro)bashing .

IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!!

wOULD SOMEONE POST A COMMENT OR TWO....HAVE U LOOKED AT THE WEBCAM LINKS?....SHOULD I KEEP THEM?...i PUT THEM UP THERE 'CUZ I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD ENJOY EM, BUT AS FAR AS I CAN TELL NO ONE HAS USED EM. COME ON FOLKS! GIMME SOME FEEDBACK

I am the Pheonix

Being the first girl born in my family in over 999 yrs, was suppose to be some kind of honor. To me it was a hardship. I guess everyone was expecting a fairy princess type, being bloned haired & blue eyed didnt help either. I wore dresses that matched my moms, slept in a canopy bed (with lace surrounding me). I did the girl scout & ballerina thing, took figure skating lessons....Learned to play the violin instead of the sax. But alas...I never got "it" right. I couldn't wear white without staining it. I stunk at violin ( probably 'cuz when Id HAD to practice, Id just saw the bow across the strings....to make my parents suffer for forcing me).

I wasn't a happy child...as I recall it was a lonely time for me. I cant even say that I disliked myself...I didn't know who i was. I had no identity.
If you've read my earlier posts then you know Im adopted..I was taught to refer to myself as being born into the family, since as far as they were concern....I was. There were a lot of "fibs" like that in my family.

I have some good memories, few but they still have the power to make me smile. Like when my dad would "join" my brother & I while playing hide & seek....he'd shove one of us up high in some forgotten closet without the other knowing he helped. Or when mom & dad would host a party... my brother & i got to stay in their bedroom with a TV tray full of party mixes & soda along with chips & dip. We'd watch TV and "wrestle" on the bed....I usually won!. My brother had an awesome sense of humor, we would always do funny stuff with together....like sneak a tape recorder under the sofa while the party was going on....not that the adults would ever say anything worth listening to but, the adventure was grand. I loved my brother so much & looked up to him.


My mom & my brother had an awesome bond, even when we were tiny. My dad & I were close. It was well known that if dad had to ok something...i should ask...if we needed moms ok, my brother would do the asking. It was a good system and it worked for the most part.
~~my theory~~
I think i figured out why my brother & mom bonded so close.I think its that my brother was adopted at birth...he went home to mom & dads immediately. I was adopted a month after birth....a blackmarket baby...Neglected. I read somewhere that that causes something called detatchment syndrome, where the babies don't attatch to anyone. Maybe thats why I had no self-identity as a child. I really had no oppinion...about anything. no favorite color, no likes or dislikes.

Another theory I have is social vs. genetic. We are taught that our likes & dislikes, and certain behaviors are socially gained. Meaning that we learn them from society. I believe that most are actually genetic, that we pass them along with our genes.
~~Let me explain with an example~~
three yrs ago my brothers birth family found him & arranged a meeting. He took my adopted mom along. on the flight he told my mom...."what if I have nothing in common with them"...of course mom said that he would fit in.
My brother was baby # 7 out of 8 kids. He was the only one put up for adoption ( due to finances). Mom said that after 20 mins ....you'd never know they all werent raised together. They all are/were active in the same sports, collected the same items, have the same work ethic and most of them even have the same favorite color.

My brother was never a leader...i was. He was a "saver"...every penny....not me. Id break a leg to spend my allowance. He wasnt very smart, always studied but never made good grades...I NEVER had to do homework, always got it done in class...never made a bad grade unless I tried to. (9th grade I made all A's then all F's the A's then F's...til the end of the yr. I knew id end up with a C average). My brother fit better in our family then I did. I always knew it. I was ....Different. my poor mom just didnt "get" me...lol. It would make mom mad when I asked her "what was wrong with me?" or "why I was different?"
but i really wanted/needed to know!. But in my family...one doesnt ask those questions.

At 10 I told my mom I was pregnant, I wasnt but I had misunderstood the sex film I had seen in school. Actually I had been being molested for several yrs by then & recognised the actions.. The was the beginning of my loneliness. I never denided that it happened but of course the man said I was lying. my mom chose to believe him. Because I couldnt get away from him...a close family friend...I began to wet the bed & generally act out. I told everyone I could...school counselors, relatives & friends.That only made me look bad. My mom told everyone that i was lying & that I was a problem child (emotionally disturbed). my acting out gave people reason to believe her. Like I said...I was a very lonely child.

As kids my brother & i were very close. If I was getting yelled at...he would slam his bedroom door (taboo in our home). Then theyd trapes over to yell at him. Its funny that even today...some 40 yrs later...if the wind catches the door & it slams...my brother or I will quickly say "sorry! it was the wind"..lol. I never told my brother what was happening to me....i dont know why but I never did. All he knew was what he saw...me doing things to make mom upset. Needless to say we grew apart. I began to run away from home. Im sure that was the worst as far as my brother was concerned....mom crying. When I got older and no longer lived at home...my mom asked me over & over not to tell him. I could never promise that, but i never have told him. To this day my brother doesnt include me in his life...although i have his phone # its well known to me that im not to use it. I wasnt allowed to be an aunt to his 2 kids and seldom got to see them. I havent seen my cousins or aunts & uncles in over 25 yrs and probably wouldnt feel like family if i saw them at this point. I could never feel anything but a visitor in my mom & dads home. My mom was a good mom....to everyone else. I could always feel the anger, disbelief and dislike. It was made worse only because she was so good to my brother....all our friends loved her too!...it was like i got a view of how loving she couldve been to me...IF i hadnt said anything. So sad.

Mom & I have since talked it all out. She made the man who molested me call me and confess....take ownership of all of it...she wasnt there to hear the call. said she didnt want to hinder the convo. I forgave him and told him that I had lost my hero back then....He cried. Hes old and losing his memory. Its amazing but i actually felt all the weight just lift right up off of me. All the anger & hurt i had for so long. Later that day mom called me ,I told her what was said and she was glad. I told her it was over....and I meant it. He has never admitted it to my mom but she knows. She has told me that shes glad Ive forgiven him but that she didnt think she ever could. A harsh statement but one that i wouldve sold my soul to hear as a child.

I had alot more trouble forgiving my mom. I realize that back in those days molesting wasnt talked about...that the signs werent known as openly as they are now. She has asked me to forgive her for being so stupid....i call it cruel but it doesnt matter now. I told her its over...im done hurting over it...I AM WHO I AM INSPITE OF MY CHILDHOOD. I took the best of what they taught me and added what ive learned on my own and made a whole person. ME. The days of emotional suicide are over for me. Althought Ive never lived up to my potential, my life is full. I have good sturdy friends, a decent income and a belief in myself. So all is forgiven.

The true victim is my brother, he still hates me...and it kind of hurts that he has bonded with his birth syblings, Im not his only sister anymore...he has 6 others..never will know the reason I was so angry and defensive or why i disrupted the family as a kid. At this point...i see no point in telling him. Mom says he'd kill the man. no need for all that...as I said...Ive forgiven and let it go. I still have my memories of the time when my brother & I were best friends.
So as I said at the beginning....I was a lonely kid...between being molesting, comming to terms with my sexuality ....and the detatchment its a wonder that Im so grounded today. Somehow I became a level headed adult. what is it they say?...out of ashes rises the pheonix. who knows...maybe one day Ill write a book!.

QUILTING

im a beginer quilter & I love it!. Its cathardic but takes alot of fabric. It seems that everywhere I go lately ...I look at the fabrics. PILES & piles of the stuff.

My four legged furry kids

anyone who says cats have no personality are WHACK!! I can sit & watch mine for days. I have one of each and both are full of personality.

Lazerous (female- she died at 3 weeks and I gave her mouth to muzzle...hence the name)) will sit on my shoulder (like a parrot) while im on the computer. She also "taps" me if she wants something & im not paying attention. Everynight we have this routine...she has to get comfy on her own pillow...next to mine, then she starts kissing me all over my face while "kneeding bread"...if I stop her...she has to start all over...lol. she hides under the bed when most people come over. Her favorite toys r the balls with the little bells inside....she will play with them all day...picking them up and moving them if they get into a tight spot. She ignores cat nip but goes nut when i put metholatum on myself. The door can stay open all day and she wont go outside. she looks alot like an ocelot.

Cody (neutered male) He is everyones cat!...Id bet u $500.00 that u couldnt get 5 steps into my home before he found a way to get u eye to eye and started rubbing against u. He loves his "skunches". He talks...alot...LOUDLY. He ignores those balls with the bells and goes strictly for the hanging toys, and is the feline version of a pothead when it comes to catnip. we built special shelves for him 'cuz he just HAS to be up high. He sleeps under the covers in my roomies bed. If the door is opened a smidge...hes out!. His face looks like a mini grey pumas.

Now u tell me...is that two cats with personality ...or what. My babies...& i love em

CALIquakes

man on the tv said there were 687 quakes in Cali alone this week. I didnt feel a single one!

alert alert!

earthquake in Eureka!
big wave commin
call all local friends
pack the cats
so they come to no harm
gather all meds & money too
all the time watchin tv to get the latest.
alarm all gone. release the cats.
breathe normal again
return to the last of the movie.
sleep well tonight....
...now I lay me down to sleep......

MERCY! Totally Inocent! surely NOT!!

I cant believe that He was found not guilty of ALL accounts. Im thinking that they didnt know where to put him IF they had said he was guilty. Hes way too frail to handle total seclusion, but thats where hed have to stay...for his own safety....and if they put him in population....hed be killed....and raped. Also ill bet the riots were part of the motovation behind his getting free. Either way hes a jerk! I cant believe that he thinks that if he acts innocent....everyone will still love him. I guess im over angry toward molesters. Lets hope that from now on no boys sleep in his bed!